Blog Post

So I added Zonelets to my site last night. Probably shouldn't be doing it. I have enough other adult responsibilities I should be doing, not to mention other half started and forgotten about things I've started on this website. I already have an updates page... What is this if not an (word I can't think of- maybe it was gratuitous) extension of that?

I would probably rather put an app on my phone or something that I can just write in maybe like a visual editor or something so that I will actually keep up with this but that requires more work than I am willing to do rright now.

There are so many positive things happening in my life at the moment but all I currently feel is dread because I do not want to do them alone - and honestly...... I don't need to but just the thought of organising them all feels too daunting that beginning on it alone is too much of a barrier right now. Mentally, I am sitting here thinking of all the things I need and want to do but I do not feel capable. Also it is the weekend and I have been waiting for the weekend since last weekend so that I could sit and process the weeks events but I feel too exhausted to recover. I am very much feeling like social interaction is what I need to recharge me right now and I dislike that about myself because UGH I just wish I could recharge this battery myself for so many complex reasons. Notably, the BPD FP dynamic I am trying not to fall into right now. It's dumb and complicated and I am too tired to elaborate right now.

I sent off my zines for Hallowzeen today. YAY! That was a big thing that needed to be done that I can cross off.

I have some hand stiched patches I got from kmart ages ago that I might try to make while watching something now.

I really want to try to... amuse myself... Some people I could reach out to I know are busy today and I need to not feed the BPD FP beast. I do not let myself use the term "FP" anymore, but I am aware that new attachments I make can become all encompassing and I am actively trying to avoid that. One sole person seperate from me is not realistically capable of being there for me and fulllfilling my(or anyones, for that matter) needs 100% of the time. It is not realistic or healthy to think that it is how life life and relationships work. I am noticing attachment and forcing myself to sit with the discomfort of not latching on and losing complete sight of everything else. It is difficult at times, especially because I do think my battery could be recharged socially right now, but I need to stay grounded.

I am writing this the next day just to log what I did. I got high and watched a doco about scientology which I probably shouldn't have done but ya know. I started overthininking some stuff which was fun lol. I also started making some patches from kits I got from Kmart ages ago bc I wanted to do something creative and relaxing that I didn't have to think about too much. I really need to get on my game and lock in and get stuff ready for Hallowzeen and PAX but AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRjfkkkdx ugh. Its okay. it is OKAY