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Lets see if I can get this out succintly (unlikely)

I work at a Local Games store (for those of you who don't know what that is - we sell boardgames and trading cards and also run events and tournaments based around this)
It is quickly approaching 2 years since I started this job. I love a great deal of things about my job, but like anything, sometimes the work - even parts I do enjoy - can be stressful. I have a list of chronic health conditions as long as my forearm, and they gradually started worsening mid to late last year making work a lot more physically and mentally demanding for me; and, to be fair I probably started putting a bit too much pressure on myself because there was the possibility of a Part Time position, and I wanted to try to see if my health would allow it, buuut I have also been so busy and tired from working and not being clear headed enough for much more than basic survival that I had/have really been struggling to feel like my world could slow down enough for me to implement some healthy changes I wanted to make in my life thus leading me to currently know that I would not be able to sustain that, especially not right now. The past 6 or so months my health and some frequent changes with some things at the job was starting to make me feel guilty about my productivity etc. at work even though I knew that I can not function at full capacity when full capacity is not something that exists in my life. Oh, I have also been on an absolutely bonkers ~journey~ of processing a lifetime of trauma which is simultaneously refresching and devastating - I know for a fact this is another big reason why I have been so exhausted.

Basically, I have been feeling past the point of burned out. I said to someone the other day "my burn outs burn outs burn out has burn out, I am not even running on fumes anymore. The fumes are a distant memory I can't quite recall." Again, I want to point out, with this comes an absolute whammy, suckerpunch of guilt and frustration. I hasve never liked ~being bored~ (retroactively looking through my undiagnosed with bpd and ADHD childhood sure is enlightening!) its fine if I am purposefully zoning out and whatever but I get so stir crazy sometimes that it is literally emotionally excruciating. Feeling guilt or self (or other) imposed and internalised pressure over productivity combined with bouts of painful boredom and health issues that make getting out harder and self isolation easier is NOT a fun combination at all.

Because I don't get the opportunity to spend as much time socialising as I would like (and also because mentail illness lmao) I find it extremely easy to getin my own head about a lot of things. One thing, however that the core of me really truly believes is that a lot of people are just "objectively cool" like... Lets be real... 99% of the people I know and like and enjoy and spend time with are Autistic (if they're undiagnosed... hmmm yeah... we're still pretty sure the thing is that most of these people literally are just objectively cool, smart, talented, good, nice people! However, I know for a fact (because we have either spoken diractly about it OR they use language that insinuates it) that a lot of these people have anxieties around how they're coming accross to other people AND/OR if they are "cool"

So I can see how the way you present behaviorally to people can slightly differ from the perception and state of ~coolness~, but that's a more nuanced conversation - and not what I'm talking about here. What I AM talking about here is the fact that yes, I have social anxiety, yes I constantly always overthink so many social interactions and, after spending too much time isolating myself online I find it easier to let the paranoid thoughts of my BPD in, and have to actively make sure I don't start to actually believe that people are playing 3D mind chess with me; BUT, I honestly and truly, whith the force of my being know that a great chunk of that is irrational, and learned behaviour (or the mental illness haha) Yes, I think it is find and normal to have passing thoughts over social interactions and wonder "oh no did I come off as rude" and stuff like that, BUT I feel like that sort of stuff, for most goodnatured people, the people I am thinking about and talking about here... that line of thought is exactly where that line of thinking needs to end. For me I have to end it there a lot of the time or I will spiral (what I mentioned about getting in my own head)

So many people I see talk about this kinda stuff and elude to a fear of not being cool. I just want to shake them sometimes and say "you are cool! you do cool things! everyone here thinks you're cool! you're a nice and kind person! I know a bunch of other people who also think you're cool! it doesn't mean anything or matter! but you being cool is an objective fact, don't worry about it!"

my apologies i am writing this at - oh lookie it just turned 12:06am and I came from work at 10pm and took my meds and they're hitting so I am about to pass out and I will maybe elaborate and try to make sense of this better later BUT. Its that thing where perceiving the self as lesser than is a thing... like... no matter how much you do or improve or grow you are never the most perfect flawless self actualised version of yourself and thats not even a thing that should or could be a goal because your self is constanlty growing and learning and improving and it is just impossible to be impartial and objective on yourpercpetion of "self" regardless of if it is a positive perception or a negative one, theres too much nuance and too much bias

When I was younger I used to go into JB Hi-Fi, comic book stores, computing stores, and games stores etc. and, as with a lot of people I used to look at some of the workers there and be like "damn they're so cool, wish I was that cool and I could work in a place like this surrounded by all this cool stuff! Dang!" (yes, I am talking about the alt people with brightcoloured hair and punk vibes).

Now, objectively I know that it is a fact that I work in a games store. I know that there are people (because people say it to me frequently) how "cool" it must be to work where I work (I agree!) I know that a lot of my regular customers and friends who frequent the stores would naturally just assosiate me with the store. I know that being a nonbinary queercoded person with bright hair, piercings and a few tattoos gives off a vibe. I objectively know all of this, but I think because I have been so tired and run down and honestly a very big part of it is that I wish I had the time and (physical and mental)energy and more accessible social circle where I could regularly play and learn and stay more up to date with many of the games that we stock... it just makes me feel even more guilty about my work not always meeting my standards, and it gives me big imposter syndrome about the ~privledge~ of working in such a "cool and fun place". So when people ask me about it... I never really felt... I guess I ever really felt like a person who works in local games store because there was the slight and complicated feeling that I am not ~good enough~ to have this privledge.

Beak,just now.

I have had these feelings of imposter syndrome pretty constantly and probably to a greater extent over the past few months with the burnout, but for some reason, whether it be the sunshine, me deciding to go to work earlier to chill before my shift, some allieviation of my burnout, the fact I slept most of the weekend, or very likely the woman who asked my name because she wanted to check if I was the person her sister knew (spoiler alert I do in fact know her sister and I'm the only employee who looks... queer LOL)........ tonight something clicked and I relaised that I am actually objectively that visibly queercoded punk wannabe person who works in the cool store around all the cool things and "game store chick[sic]" is probably who I am to people... Not that I wasn't ware of being that to people... I guess I just feel... a little more valid and legitimised about it internally.

Anyway, nerds, yall are cool, stop stressing and think of all the things you do and make and all the real challenges you are working through and overcominng! Peace Out