Edit of this post
I work at a Local Games Store (LGS) (for those of you who don't know what that is - we sell boardgames and trading cards and also run events and tournaments based around this)
It is quickly approaching 2 years since I started this job.
I love a great deal of things about my job, but like anything, sometimes the work - even the many parts I do enjoy - can be stressful.
I have a list of chronic health conditions as long as my forearms, and they gradually started worsening mid to late last year, making work a lot more physically and mentally demanding for me.
To be fair I probably started putting too much pressure on myself because there was the possibility of a Part Time position which I wanted to see if my health would allow, buuut I have been so busy and tired from working that much of anything other than basic survival has been difficult and I've not been very clear headed. I have also been on an absolutely bonkers ~journey~ of processing a lifetime of trauma which is simultaneously refreshing and devastating IYKYK - I know for a fact this is another big reason why I have been so exhausted.
I am pretty sure that some conditions have worsened partially due to my inability to manage them effectively. I had/have really been struggling to feel like my world could slow down enough for me to implement healthy changes I know I need to make in my life , feeling tired from trying just to survive and having no bandwidth, energy or capacity to look after myself well enough so that the cycle calms a little. As such, over the last month I've come to the realisation that I would not be able to sustain more work at the LGS, especially not right now. Over the past 6 or so months with my health challenges plus some frequent changes with a range of things things at work I started to gradually feel more and more guilty about my productivity/efficiency etc. at work even though I knew that I can not function at full capacity when full capacity is not something that exists in my life now.
(side note about how this is true for everyone and everyone in some way will realise that 100% effort 100% of the time is not sustainable. This lesson is learned and relearned multiple times in one's lifetime, but for disabled folks this lesson rears its head much more frequently and it can be shocking and devastating when if it happens frequently. Yo-yoing or having extreme fluctuations with this kind of thing is something I experience and it can be disheartening, disruptive, and massively, massively depressing - not to mentions destabilising and near impossible to feel confident of your abilities)
Basically, I have been feeling past the point of burned out and not felt able to address it (thats another story about my DES providers) thus not being able to fully get the rest I needed to regroup. I said to someone the other day "my burn outs burn outs burn out has burn out, I am not even running on fumes anymore. The fumes are a distant memory I can't quite recall." I recently wrote that I noticed that my body has been staying almost tense and hypervigilant because I was functioning at such a low capacity it felt like if I let myself relax properly that I would loose control and, for example possibly sleep in and miss work etc. Again, I want to point out, with this comes an absolute whammy, suckerpunch of guilt and frustration. All of it is a brutal neverending cycle. I can't strees it enough. Logically I know how to manage it - but my body and mind and and nervous system has other ideas.
I have never liked ~being bored~ (retroactively looking through my undiagnosed with bpd[likely also cptsd] and ADHD childhood sure is enlightening!) its fine if I am purposefully zoning out and whatever but I get so stir crazy sometimes that it is literally emotionally excruciating and draining. Feeling guilt or self (or other) imposed and internalised pressure over productivity combined with bouts of painful boredom and health issues that make getting out harder and self isolation easier is NOT a fun combination at all.
(side note that I am one hundred thousand percent a "true" ambivert, and this was the case long before my physical health got bad. This means that SOME social interaction drains me and SOME fills my battery. Sometimes it is situational as to which way any given situation will energise or drain me)
Because I don't get the opportunity to spend as much time socialising as I would like (and also because mental illness lmao) I find it extremely easy to get in my own head about a lot of things. One thing, however that the core of me really truly believes now is that a lot of people are just "objectively cool" like... Lets be real... 99% of the people I know and like and enjoy and spend time with are Autistic (if they're undiagnosed... hmmm yeah... we're still pretty sure the thing is that most if not all of these people are literally just objectively cool, smart, talented, good, nice people! However, I know for a fact (either because we've spoken directly about it, or because they imply it) that a lot of these people have anxieties around how they're coming accross to other people AND/OR if they are "cool"
So, I can see how the way you present behaviorally to people can slightly differ from the perception and state of ~coolness~, but that's a more nuanced conversation - and not what I'm talking about here. What I AM talking about here is the fact that yes, I have social anxiety, yes I constantly always overthink so many social interactions and, after spending too much time isolating myself online I find it easier to let the paranoid thoughts of my BPD in, and have to actively make sure I don't start to actually believe that people are playing 3D mind chess with me; BUT, I honestly and truly, whith the force of my being know that a great chunk of that is irrational, and learned behaviour (or the mental illness haha) Yes, I think it is fine and normal to have passing thoughts over social interactions and wonder "oh no did I come off as rude or strange" and stuff like that, BUT I feel like it is such a human experience that dwelling on too much kind feels pointlesss? Regarding most good natured people, the people I am thinking about and talking about here... I feel like that simple thought is exactly where that line of thinking can end. I really don't think its worth it to reflect overly on it anymore because it can easily spiral. I personally have to end it there a lot of the time because I know I WILL spiral (what I mentioned about getting in my own head)
EDITIED TO HERE......... THE REST IS STILL DRAFTSo many people I see talk about this kinda stuff and elude to a fear of not being cool. I just want to shake them sometimes and say "you are cool! you do cool things! everyone here thinks you're cool! you're a nice and kind person! I know a bunch of other people who also think you're cool! it doesn't mean anything or matter! but you being cool is an objective fact, don't worry about it!"
my apologies i am writing this at - oh lookie it just turned 12:06am and I came from work at 10pm and took my meds and they're hitting so I am about to pass out and I will maybe elaborate and try to make sense of this better later BUT. Its that thing where perceiving the self as lesser than is a thing... like... no matter how much you do or improve or grow you are never the most perfect flawless self actualised version of yourself and thats not even a thing that should or could be a goal because your self is constanlty growing and learning and improving and it is just impossible to be impartial and objective on yourpercpetion of "self" regardless of if it is a positive perception or a negative one, theres too much nuance and too much bias
When I was younger I used to go into JB Hi-Fi, comic book stores, computing stores, and games stores etc. and, as with a lot of people I used to look at some of the workers there and be like "damn they're so cool, wish I was that cool and I could work in a place like this surrounded by all this cool stuff! Dang!" (yes, I am talking about the alt people with brightcoloured hair and punk vibes).
Now, objectively I know that it is a fact that I work in a games store. I know that there are people (because people say it to me frequently) how "cool" it must be to work where I work (I agree!) I know that a lot of my regular customers and friends who frequent the stores would naturally just assosiate me with the store. I know that being a nonbinary queercoded person with bright hair, piercings and a few tattoos gives off a vibe. I objectively know all of this, but I think because I have been so tired and run down and honestly a very big part of it is that I wish I had the time and (physical and mental)energy and more accessible social circle where I could regularly play and learn and stay more up to date with many of the games that we stock... it just makes me feel even more guilty about my work not always meeting my standards, and it gives me big imposter syndrome about the ~privledge~ of working in such a "cool and fun place". So when people ask me about it... I never really felt... I guess I ever really felt like a person who works in local games store because there was the slight and complicated feeling that I am not ~good enough~ to have this privledge.
Beak,just now.
I have had these feelings of imposter syndrome pretty constantly and probably to a greater extent over the past few months with the burnout, but for some reason, whether it be the sunshine, me deciding to go to work earlier to chill before my shift, some allieviation of my burnout, the fact I slept most of the weekend, or very likely the woman who asked my name because she wanted to check if I was the person her sister knew (spoiler alert I do in fact know her sister and I'm the only employee who looks... queer LOL)........ tonight something clicked and I relaised that I am actually objectively that visibly queercoded punk wannabe person who works in the cool store around all the cool things and "game store chick[sic]" is probably who I am to people... Not that I wasn't ware of being that to people... I guess I just feel... a little more valid and legitimised about it internally.
Anyway, nerds, yall are cool, stop stressing and think of all the things you do and make and all the real challenges you are working through and overcominng! Peace Out
EDIT:
My goodness i am rereding this in my bed on my phone and there are so many typos and errors l.faooo i tired and GOING TO SLEEP
EDIT: 11/02/2026
I have not reread this properly again today (gosh I know towards the end of it i was near ready to pass out so I apologise about how the quality massively deteriorated lmao)but I was thinking about a key message I wanted to leave people with;
You are cool, you're loved and appreciated. Don't be concerned with what people who are commited to misunderstanding you possibly think.