I'm actually making this post on the 29th of JULY OH NO HAHAHAHAH TIME TRAVEL!
- continuing the busy work period
- I had watched the movie Heretic and it got me thinking about a lot of childhood trauma stuff, I started casually making a zine about it.
- Mentioned it to my therapist and she suggested I go see the Book of Mormon, which I hadn't seen, but wanted to and was playing in the city so I got tickets.
- I actually have so much stuff written on my phone about trauma and stuff... I'd like to post it here or somewhere one day as well as including it in more of my visual/interactive art, but goddddddd it takes so much energy to edit it because of the nature of it. Honestly sometimes its just easier and more accessible for it to be unedited, even though sometimes that means some things arent put as eloquently or empathically
the weird sex stuff that made me laugh from last post.
yeah so uh we were goin at it or whatever and I was gettin close to climaxing...
AND I JUST STARTED HOWLING LIKE THIS REAL INSANE ACTUAL GUTTERAL CRYING OUT OF NOWHERE AND HE'S LIKE "ARE YOU OKAY?" AND I WAS LIKE "YEAH I'M FINE" and I... was also kinda hypnotically into what I was doing like it was a stim and he kept disrupting me and Im thinking STOP INTERUPTING ME, GUY!!! but then THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING HAPPENED, HE WAS LIKE WE GOTTA STOP. AND I WAS LIKE WHY WHATS GOING ON? AND HE TOLD ME THAT ONE OF MY FRICKING TEARS HAD LANDED DIRECTLY IN HIS EYEBALL I'M LAUGHING SO HARD JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. I JOKINGLY TOLD HIM HE WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I USUALLY CHARTGE FOR THAT KIND OF EXPERINCE GJKSZG ZLDGJKLDFGJLKJHDFHK'FHFDH EVERYTIME I REMEMBER IT I START CRY LAUGHING AND I KINDA WANNA TELL EVERYONE BUT NOBODY AT THE SAME TIME. I MUST HAVE LOOKED AND SOUNDED SO FUCKING POSSESED LIKE AIFHJKSDHGJKDSHGJKSDF I WAS HOWLING LIKE A FUCKING BANSHEE
yeah anyway I told my therapist and she basically confirmed what I suspected. I'd never really been that close with another person and not that intensely alone either (thanks medication and shit endurance/stamina) and the mix of overstimulation and vulnerability and letting myself feel things in my body let ALL of the things that I repress out not only the orgasmy ones. So for me it was actually weirdly healing and shit BUT FROM THE OUTSIDE I MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE I WAS HAVING THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE anyway repressed trauma sucks, but it's nice to have someone who makes me feel safe and comfortable enough to process it... in bizarre ways ^^;
- Went to see the Book of Mormon on the 19th with C
- told C about the weird sex thing when I saw her on the 19th. Only other person I have told aside from writing it here HAHAHAH.
- Caught up with Fitz, wandered around a lil bit, then decided to head home. Fitz came back home with me after we ~split the party~ because HE GAVE ME CONFUSING INSTRUCTIONS ON WHICH TRAIN PLATFORM I WAS GOING TO WHILE HE PEED OR GOT MACCAS OR SOMETHING I CANT REMEMBER NOW. It was hilarious
- I tried to explain what had happened last time HAHAHAHAH and uuuuuuh aaaahashajkfhdjksgsdklg yeah mmhmm
- Played commander instead of dnd because plans changed and now dnd in on saturdays :~)
- I went to wooooorrrk where he helped me out sorting some cards, and then I took him to the train station after we wandered around a bit.