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Messages I have sent to various people today (I don't have the energy to rewrite this in a diary format lmfao):

"My support worker was gonna be here at 9am and i hear a bajillion sirens and im like... is she okayy 😶

My support workers car was stolen 🙄"

"Brbcuxijakanzja i am having an adhd task paralysis frustration todayyy ufhghugndnz"

"😭😭😭 i have to go out and do stuff but brain is having dumb taaaantrummm"

"Kay im GOIN. (are you playin magic tonight?)"

"Oh my god ITS FINE I was able to get in there another way but the road my chemist is on is blocked off and i was running out of vyvanse lol"

"Just WANNA MAKE MY BRAIN IMPLODE TODAY APPARENTLY"

"My support workers car got stolen so i didnt have that this morning, my normal friday plans arent happening lol, i was gonna go help michelle with some stuff but she decided shes okay so the silly little errands i was gonna do were making me like LEAVE THE HOUSE NOO I DONT HAVE THE WILLPOWER"

"And then i randomly decided to trim my hair but i didnt think it through first HAHAHAH oOOPS"

"Why am i being nerfed todaaaayyyy"

"Gonna be nerfed even more over the weekend the weather change is gonna kill me i can feel it "

"i have arrived home to do some insane research before i got to the supermarket lol"

I just checked my health tracking app and apparently I am finishing ovulating, idk if thats also a facotr (I did just get the mirena but who knows whats going on with m hormones rn, possibly a contributing factor) I feel so burnt out from not having anything to do? but also by having too much to do?

I started holding back tears while i was out because its a lovely day but i feel depressed. i want company but everyone if busy or whatever(i mean i haven't ASKED 'EVERYONE' but ya know) and I just feel useless?

I'm trying to tell myself that I can control how I feel to some extent and I don't have to let my emotions define how i interpret the world or whatever but at the same time i also feel like i need to cry to get this emotional tension outta me. i think i should probably think about getting that release over resigning myself to feeling that experiencing this emotion is factual evidence of whatever "i am lonely and my life sucks" mantra or whatever that wants to play in my mind. Its difficult. Maybe I am processing past trauma from Octobers long gone. Not unlikely. I am also sad because I know this weather is going away and I suppose I am sad to "waste it" being sad and dpressed. I fucking hate being depressed in the warm weather but it seems to be becoming a thing.

I got home and started looking things up - specifically ~things to do in my backyard. Then I realised I had to add "as an adult, alone" into the query. I was looking at blow up etc pools and stuff and then started looking into the laws of it which was becoming too hard for me to consider to do without help so then i opened the real estate website with the intention of looking at how much a rental with a pool is and if there are any, but it opened as house for sale so I opened it out of curiousiuty and started looking through stuff for a bit and then I just shut down because everything feels too hard to even dream about - especially alone. I keep feeling unfulfilled and lost and all over the place in my life and the older I get the more the lack of routine and structure and shit impacts me.

I wanted to look up other shit too - stuff about like.. protein or whatever smoothie drinks would be good as meal replacements with my POTS and EDS type shit but I don't even have the willpower anymore. I have been losing my drive for so long and it is completely dependant on other people or external factors for me to be able to function these days and I am sitting here literally crying about it.

I really try not to say that and believe it because I know that if I let myself believe it to be true I will make it be true - self limiting belief and all that. But I struggle so much and I am so lonely dispite constantly feeling too unwell to be social.

My therapist doesn't want me to quit my job because it provides me with something to do and all that and i understand and I do think its helpful sometims but I am so burnt out and I am so burnt out by feeling like I dont have a social life.

I am incredibly lucky and privildged but I am suffering so much trying to do everything alone. I am so non-functional in my day to day life right now, it is just so miserable.

Looking into doing stuff in/to my backyard so I can touch grass and not spend so much time staring at screens.......... I start doing it and immediately go "yeah whats the fucking point? you're just gonna put money and energy you don't have into making your backyard nice just to sit in it alone and feel shit, whats the point? and like EVEN IF THAT IS THE CASE IT IS STILL A WORTHWHILE ACTIVITY? EVEN IF IT ONLY BENEFITS ME AND I GO OUT INTO A NICE BACKYARD TO CRY IT IS STILL WORTHWHILE TO DO OR TRY BECAUSE OBJECTIVELY BEING OUTSIDE RATHER THAN IN ON A SCREEN WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME!! But the depressed unmotivated part of me goes "nah, if you do it or have all these fun ideas and expectations nothings gonna fuckng change anyway"

thinking about the future and looking at houses and shit like, "ideally I would share this space with someone else" turns into "yeah but then its going to go to shit and you're going to have to sell the house anyway because lawyers will make you for settlement reasons" why the fuck? what the fuck? none of this is happening, why are you catastorphising and getting so upset over fantasy that isnt even real but will be if you keep yourself in this headspace? why the fuck are you so fucking cynical?

I know the answer is trauma and I know the only way to heal from it is to talk about it and deal with it but how do I even do that? I don't even know how to do that. I am so over keeping myself in this place but I am so exhausted by it and everything else that i dont even know how to move from it.

I don't want to spend the sunny days crying. I don't want to think like this. I am fine to be alone. It isnt the worst and it isnt a death sentence. But it triggers a lot of stuff. I think its also like this somatic thing like I think my body remembers feeling this way (upset and bored in the nice weather because of being lonely and feeling like nothing was fun if i had to do it alone) and because I assume that my default state is alone it all just comes back. Its so frustrating. When did I decide that lonliness was so unbareable that I became this toy waiting to be picked up and played with or something? Why have I never felt like I have the autonomy to DO anything for myself? I fucking hate it so much.

I really dont want to be on the computer all the time but I don't know what else to do. Oh god is this late stage internet/screen addiction. I dont even know.